I woke as if still in a dream. After 2 years where I barely had dreams of my ex girlfriend she now appears on a more regular basis. The haze of the dream and the real world sat upon each other, the dream heavy on me as I struggled to move my head. And for a moment I believed I was back at the house in town, and Dad had left the music playing as loud as possible upstairs as he was often known to do from 3am to 10am to the sadness of the local residents. Whether it actually was or not I will not know, yet Stronger by Cristina Aguilera was playing.
The wind is blowing outside and strongly. A few times the windows have rattled and worried me that the next thing to go in this house is the window panes. The room next door is the one already missing one Double glazed Pane, with the same case in the bathroom.
The previous residents liked to punch things, and that speaks to their level of mentality in life. But I would have appreciated it if they hadn’t punched the bathrooms privacy glass, because it’s next to the shower.
(On the plus side if you’re into voyeurism I now do a daily shower around 8.05am for the birds and you’re welcome to come and watch as well)
Usually when I’m in there washing I’ll be listening to hip hop and hoping no one walks down the alleyway, as really no one can see in apart from that. I’m planning to get privacy plastic as an alternative to put up. Such is life.
But never a dull one. My mind is in uncharted territory again, which I became aware of a few days ago. I left the comfort zone I was living in, and have been graduating upwards to the next niche category. Some of this was partially due to the re-realisation that the dating game is a giant numbers game and to be successful you have to objectify and take an abundance mindset. Some of this was also because of the new job allowing my mind to wonder freely into new areas of potential. But what capped it off was the guy at the bar coming out last night and telling me a bunch of his organs were failing and he was dying.
As usual I didn’t really know what to say. I never say sorry, because no one is and that’s the socially acceptable thing we all say but don’t mean. When someone says they’re dying, practically everyone thinks of their own death instead of the other person. I do feel sadness though, I’m not a psychopath.
I was surprised that he said it in the circumstances. To which he then said he hasn’t told his wife yet. Which I think is quite mad, but he said the doctor hadn’t told her yet, as he’s been holding off. I will wait and watch. Lately the world has got me more cynical, and I also don’t want to believe that the person is actually ill. My experiences with people and the current media culture have been tinged by the fact that mentally unwell people make bold claims on a regular basis that are unchecked. So I’m watching out for that more.
The good upbringing that my mother did her best to Instill me with left me naive to the fact that people try to manipulate others. I do wonder if it’s because mother has in a way manipulated me and my brother. But I don’t know, most of us have a blind spot with family which is difficult to see through. I can remember when I used to express this feeling to mum though and she would immediately say she felt people treated her the same way. So she passed on the ability to not set boundaries until anger provokes it, to me. Ever the relaxed individual though I’ve been out the family home for 8 years now, which is roughly the amount of time it’s taken to unravel that conditioning. But instead of mums conditioning, I’m now unraveling my dads and that’s a much more subtle type. More on that another time.
Often I think to myself, my life is not that interesting so why bother sharing. But if you’re so inclined Gary Vaynerchuk surmises it quite well.
“We are never interesting to ourselves but always interesting to others”
Happy weekend to you, și bună să-ți fie inima.
(And Be good to your heart)
The Journey 