The Journey

The sunlight shines through the curtains of my ground floor room. I am still in bed, and attempted to sleep for a second time before giving up.

This week has been a stretch and at times was boring. The time outside the gym has taken its toll and my normal winter blues and lack of motivation returned for a while. At times it felt like the storms would not leave the island, and I began to dread to walk to work as the wind pushed against my body and I hoped to avoid the rains that sporadically came. Most of this week has been a fight to return to sleep patterns as normal as well. It’s like a big hot pot of contributing factors that lead to dejection. But I’ve survived as always. Flu season in the office arrived by the end of the week and one guy spent all day Thursday coughing up a treat before having yesterday off. Talk of the Coronavirus is in daily conversation now, and the company now suggests that staff quarantine for 2 weeks if they feel they should. But we seem to be ok so far. There’s a sense of inevitability with it, as large countries continue to receive new cases of the illness, that eventually we will have some here in the Channel Islands. One of the schools here had a bunch of kids return from the Italian alps, and they were taken off for a week.

Most of my illness seems to be headaches and sneezing, which positively although it’s doesn’t feel great for me, isn’t Coronavirus.

Lying in bed in the sunshine feels good though. I had a lot of plans for today earlier this week, yet now I lie here relatively inert. Last nights hangover from the free bar work provided leaves me with the slight anxiety that usually occurs. The work gathering exposed me to a different group of people then the one I usually work with and I’m always conscious that those first impressions count, but I’m sure I’ll hear if there is any particular view people have of me. Im not sure if I care as much as used too anymore anyway.

I’m pleased my department have been labelled as the fun people, and most of the company seems happy for us to be moving from our isolated office to the main building with everyone else. I had the opportunity to speak to people from the Trust team, fund and Private wealth.

Private wealth is one of the areas I’m interested in pursuing in the next 5 years, so that could be an interesting area to be in. We will see how my current job goes, and if I succeed then you never know.

In my mind private wealth allows you to meet wealthy people, and by the same level eventually become wealthy yourself which is quite appealing. The skies the limit if I study, and that’s my main goal. Never a dull moment in life.

3 people stood out for me last night though, the deep conversation I had with the Chinese girl in Trust where I explained what the department does, despite only being there for 2 weeks.

Second the girl from HR that shared her feeling about how people confided in her and what she felt was her unpaid role as a counsellor, and finally the guy from IT, who I didn’t see all evening but seemed to be around at the end and seemed quite chirpy that he was getting divorced from his Georgian wife.

All small insights into how people behave as I attempt to build and connect with a whole new group of people. This is the new tribe I am in. Week 4 is over

I had a dream last night that I was talking to an old French man, who was called Basile. He popped up earlier in the dream and I recognised him but I didn’t know where. The dream passed him by. But he came back later on as we drove in small Land Rover around the streets of an old town in Malta. We had a nice chat about languages and various things. I told him I was learning Romanian, and he seemed surprised but then he asked me some questions and I responded in my basic Romanian. Guess the words and sentences are going in somewhere at least

I woke as if still in a dream. After 2 years where I barely had dreams of my ex girlfriend she now appears on a more regular basis. The haze of the dream and the real world sat upon each other, the dream heavy on me as I struggled to move my head. And for a moment I believed I was back at the house in town, and Dad had left the music playing as loud as possible upstairs as he was often known to do from 3am to 10am to the sadness of the local residents. Whether it actually was or not I will not know, yet Stronger by Cristina Aguilera was playing.

The wind is blowing outside and strongly. A few times the windows have rattled and worried me that the next thing to go in this house is the window panes. The room next door is the one already missing one Double glazed Pane, with the same case in the bathroom.

The previous residents liked to punch things, and that speaks to their level of mentality in life. But I would have appreciated it if they hadn’t punched the bathrooms privacy glass, because it’s next to the shower.

(On the plus side if you’re into voyeurism I now do a daily shower around 8.05am for the birds and you’re welcome to come and watch as well)

Usually when I’m in there washing I’ll be listening to hip hop and hoping no one walks down the alleyway, as really no one can see in apart from that. I’m planning to get privacy plastic as an alternative to put up. Such is life.

But never a dull one. My mind is in uncharted territory again, which I became aware of a few days ago. I left the comfort zone I was living in, and have been graduating upwards to the next niche category. Some of this was partially due to the re-realisation that the dating game is a giant numbers game and to be successful you have to objectify and take an abundance mindset. Some of this was also because of the new job allowing my mind to wonder freely into new areas of potential. But what capped it off was the guy at the bar coming out last night and telling me a bunch of his organs were failing and he was dying.

As usual I didn’t really know what to say. I never say sorry, because no one is and that’s the socially acceptable thing we all say but don’t mean. When someone says they’re dying, practically everyone thinks of their own death instead of the other person. I do feel sadness though, I’m not a psychopath.

I was surprised that he said it in the circumstances. To which he then said he hasn’t told his wife yet. Which I think is quite mad, but he said the doctor hadn’t told her yet, as he’s been holding off. I will wait and watch. Lately the world has got me more cynical, and I also don’t want to believe that the person is actually ill. My experiences with people and the current media culture have been tinged by the fact that mentally unwell people make bold claims on a regular basis that are unchecked. So I’m watching out for that more.

The good upbringing that my mother did her best to Instill me with left me naive to the fact that people try to manipulate others. I do wonder if it’s because mother has in a way manipulated me and my brother. But I don’t know, most of us have a blind spot with family which is difficult to see through. I can remember when I used to express this feeling to mum though and she would immediately say she felt people treated her the same way. So she passed on the ability to not set boundaries until anger provokes it, to me. Ever the relaxed individual though I’ve been out the family home for 8 years now, which is roughly the amount of time it’s taken to unravel that conditioning. But instead of mums conditioning, I’m now unraveling my dads and that’s a much more subtle type. More on that another time.

Often I think to myself, my life is not that interesting so why bother sharing. But if you’re so inclined Gary Vaynerchuk surmises it quite well.

“We are never interesting to ourselves but always interesting to others”

Happy weekend to you, și bună să-ți fie inima.

(And Be good to your heart)

Recovering from sickness always lasts longer because we do self destructive things. Lying around the house watching the documentary Saturday afternoon about Jimmy Iovine and Dr Dre called the Defiant ones on Netflix, should have been the necessary downtime I needed. I’ve become increasingly guarded with my time now as my focus changes in life from the outer to the inner and I’m quite conscious of when it’s being taken. But i haven’t changed that much yet. Change can happen all at once, or it can be spread out over a longer period. This is why I still believe my father when he says let’s go for food, and have a few drinks and it becomes a night out and me getting home at 4am.

But that has costs in both the body and socially. This lifestyle that Dad is changing to be free, unaccountable and have fun always can be done sober and without the damage to health. We missed the opportunity to see family because I felt sick all day and he didn’t wake up until after 6pm yesterday. Often my father will say that he wishes he has more money and that why don’t we have a good idea working as a family business. Perhaps we could have something but I can see that alcohol is the worst mix in this. It took me 5 days to get back to normal and in a frame of mind that I could focus and study last week after a particularly heavy session on Monday. That motivation is what pushes me forward and holds you in place when you need it. With the alcohol there is no pushing power. And that’s what you need to succeed.

Talking of success, the knock on effect of me using social media again is the pining for the attractive girl in Jersey, which resulted in me messaging her. Naturally no response occurs as usual, with the exact thought being never try to be yourself unless you’re a ripped motherfucker with a million in the bank. So I’m back to building the empire and focusing on myself.

A lot of this is about the value we find ourselves at and how we sell ourselves. I think I’m better then her because she’s just one person In a sea of millions and she’s not particularly special over anyone else but she has a few things I like and would like to get to know her better on that basis. I don’t even appear on her radar because I have less then 200 people that followers, real genuine people who are family and friends I have curated because I want real life and trust in my social platform, whereas she is chasing validation. I’m buried in her sea of thousands of watchers. To cut through the noise we have to be exceptional, which is what I intend to be.

Ive spent most of my life at that lower level of value, because I didn’t know how to sell myself properly but I still have a close circle of friends and family who are all good people. So clearly I’ve got the right things correct. Somethings still need to be fixed though.

I’m off to tinker with that.

Have a good week!

Knowing people have left birthday wishes on my Facebook and not wanting to leave people floating I re download the app to thank people in my well written and quiet manner. That was yesterday and this is today. I lost 1 hour and 30 minutes to the fucking app and just deleted it again. Ignorance is bliss and I’ve just wasted an hour and a half looking at things I don’t have, want or need, whilst watching a video I could watch on YouTube anyway. Someone moans about some food they got on the local page. Some autistic middle aged man who is an aspiring online Gamer, baits some Idiots who believed they were the victim of police inefficiency. The girl I fancy but can’t get to on this current level posts a night out and I wonder if she is that happy having to post everything she does at all times. No one is that happy. The only social media I allow myself is occasionally Instagram but mostly I’m disconnected now.

The week has gone by ok, 2nd week over and I know a small amount more then I did previously. Some days have been filled with me doing basic administrative work, some broken up with me doing nothing. It came to Friday and it one of those days again.

The manager gave me a task, which I did with little instruction. After I completed it, I gave the work back to them. Half an hour later I clocked the message from them to my colleague moaning about it being incomplete. They never actually said anything to me, and when I started to apologise about the work, they didn’t say anything to me. So now I know how my manager deals with things when they are not correct. They remain silent.

I’ve had little input so far from them about what they expect from me, and the company hasn’t given much outside of the initial training that took 2 days to complete. The jury is still out and it takes 6 months as a minimum to see a person as they are. But that incident has lit a fire under my ass again. I want my managers job, and I also want to be treated with more respect. But first I have to know everything, so I’ve started digging in the computer system and within a minute I’d found some old training manuals that were completely not mentioned at all by my colleague sitting next to me.

Maybe I’m the only person that likes to have some kind of schedule of things I should be learning. I find it odd that so many places just leave you to it, relying on the staff at the time. When it’s quiet now, I’ve got a 66 page manual I’m working through on the industry, and when that’s done I’ll study all the funds I’m supposed to be managing. And when that’s done, I’ll start on the rest in the company. The qualifications in the industry teach you a lot, but this job should allow me finally To turn up to study and I already know it all.

This is my second chance at a good career so I will do my best. I will earn the respect I deserve.

The first week of work went well as I settled in to a new environment with new people. I tried not to swear too much and I hoped people couldn’t hear me swearing at the door when I’m trying to unlock it with a hot chocolate in my hand and a wind blowing it open while I try to close it.

I met the team and mostly things seem ok. The funds department is away from everyone at the moment, and I appreciated it as it gives me time to connect with people on a more personal level before we move across to the rest of the company. The department is away from everyone, which I quite like.

This week was another first for me, as I reintroduced language learning on my lunch break because I can’t go swimming at the moment. Most of my days at work we’re learning the computer systems and getting introduced to Payment systems.

I was starting to get bored by the end of the week though, there’s only so much learning you can do in a day, and most of the work available was beyond my current level. I accepted it as it is.

The office has alcohol on a Friday sometimes. I was really pleased to see this again in a workplace, as a former Alcoholic that drank every day. That brightened Friday up.

When I got home the new guy was hanging around in the kitchen. I don’t know what he does all day, but he has Aspergers so he’s a bit awkward.

On Tuesday a friend moved in on the floor above so we had some food and drank a bottle of wine. We love the Italians, and I particularly love having female friends that I don’t want to fuck. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a friend I don’t want to root, and it makes life so much better. We had a super chat about life, religion, politics, narcissistic relationships and her work in Autistic care which is surprisingly interesting. I realised this is the kind of direction I want my life to be going in.

Good food, with good friends, earning good money drinking good wine. And no bullshit anymore, just positive vibes.

The only downside to the wine and half bottle of Disararonno last night ismy bodily response to it today.

The depressant on my nervous system still feels in place. I slept from 3 till I woke up at half 9. I helped Dad take loads of furniture to the auction house. I felt upbeat, but when I’m tired like that, the positive and happy construct I’ve built for myself starts to crack, and the mind begins to race on negative thoughts and recent emotional turmoil.

I made it through the morning, met up with a friend for a walk on the beach and came home after, completing Mass effect finally. Then I started chaining Netflix episodes till it’s about to be 11pm suddenly and I’m feeling pretty wiped out.

So I’m going to sleep. Aiming for a more positive start to the week, while I get back on my focus. I miss going to the gym, and I can’t wait for payday

It’s a Tuesday and I spent some time trying to work with this new jobs background checking software this morning. I did feel like leaving it a few more days, but the new job is supposed to start next week and since it wasn’t complete, I actually wanted to start the job on time. I still felt tired this morning when I work up around 9 so I tried to sleep a little bit longer. Want to be on the ball for the driving lesson, which went well.

Nick is a tank of a man and has a bit of an ego. He believes his level of instruction is better then the UK driving schools. I do my best to listen to his instructions and avoid his displeasure. Being an asshole and giving Sass is a useless exercise, so I can only be humble there. In the 2 lessons he’s taken me from 0 back to a position where I can drive adequately without ramming the vehicle through the many stone walls of this area. The many stops and starts at junctions today really helped me start to lose the fear I’d gained of stopping and starting the vehicle. The relaxed teaching style is deliberate, and has really helped me to avoid fucking shit up.

Something I’ll always remember from my College Law class is that when you step into a vehicle, regardless of your ability the law seems you responsible for anything that occurs. So if I top 2 grandmas and the family dog, best believe I’m going to Jail. Imagine if they told a 16 year old that when they started learning. Fairly sure they’d shit a brick.

After the lesson it took a while of vegetating in my room before I felt the need to do anything. I felt the mild rumbling in my stomach of hunger when I ran out the house for the bus that was 20 minutes late. The wind was cold whilst I stood out on the stop wondering if the bus would even come. The road is partially closed, and the uncertainty irritated me. This is the moment usually when I get annoyed with myself for not learning to drive, so today I was still annoyed, but I recognised I’d finally started making an effort. I got off in the cycle lane in town, and everyone else did. The kid who thought he could cycle around everyone was forced into a corner of a lamppost when the 5 other people that got off behind me weren’t paying attention and cut up the whole path. I kind of hate people for that sometimes. I stayed in the cycle lane because there was loads of space beside me to cycle around. And I like being where I want to be. Everyone else clearly wanted to be a Z shape, so the 14 year old, wearing a weird yellow bowl helmet stopped. I felt bad for the cunt. Then I crossed the road and headed up the hill towards the gym.

I felt very unmotivated by the time I was at the top of the hill, but felt much better when I got changed and started on the step machine. The calories burned on that thing seem to clock so fast I’ve not found a better substitute in the gym so far. I pushed 20 minutes and sweated out, past the cold sweats that displayed a certain lack of energy. Patrice O’neil blasting out his wisdom while I walk up the equivalent of the Shard, or whatever the distance is.

Mostly the same people populate the gym at the same time of the day. I do my exercise bike, knowing I can burn calories. Sometimes the rowing machine but my back muscles are kind of fucked. The elliptical trainer is a last minute decision and I do it for 20 minutes to top off the session before I leave. The men’s changing room isn’t too bad. Some old guys like wondering around naked and shrivelled. I assume I was raised at the turn of the 20th century as I choose not to wack my dick out in people’s faces. Maybe it’s just polite. A cross section of society presents themselves here. I get changed and shower, the hot water washing over me, and washing away my gym induced pains. And maybe some spiritual ones.

I’m in the gym to lose weight and get back to a level of better options in my life and a little bit of control. I have a mindset that I am high value, but without a corresponding response it’s a waste. I’m fighting my way back to the possibility of receiving what I want on tap instead of working so hard for it. First Cardio and weight loss. Then weight training. The I’ll fix my clothes in my wardrobe so I actually look half decent. The years of travel over self investment have taken their toll, and now I have to take a step back from the many countries and give myself the time to catch up to the real world.

The scales in the changing room say I’ve lost a lot more weight then I thought I had, and I don’t believe it, so I try it again and it gives me the same answer. I decide to try it again tomorrow and see if it changes. What a body weighs one day doesn’t mean it will be the same the next. I look down at my belly and wish it would be smaller, but another 10kg down I should be able to see the ground again, and realistically that’s a good target to start the year too.

When I was bored at home earlier, I watched some videos on YouTube and came across some from the Incel community. The long name of it is involuntary celibate, and some of the videos are quite dark. These guys are not coming from a good place, but I watch a lot of things on there anyway, so I can have a good perspective on many things. It also allows me to give an opinion and understand the lives of others. My youthful exploration of the the great plethora of conspiracy theories and claims in the world led me back to a more stable view of reality. And allowed me to understand those that do genuinely think that every terrorist incident is deliberate or orchestrated, that families control countries or that big business control industries. Some of this is true, but having the ability to filter and assess the truth is the important distinction.

As it was pointed out in a recent episode of London real, the human race has never had access to more information at this point. Knowledge is a click away and it’s changing the way humanity learns and deals with challenges. But it’s also filtering us down to a certain level, and at some point something has to give. We must have the ability to understand what we’ve seen or read, and not accept it at face value or things will begin to go wrong.

People begin to believe in personalities, cults and ideas without decent validity. Always question. As I will be.

Goodnight and God bless

(You can question God too, he doesn’t usually respond though in person haha)

Various buzzing electrical items can be heard. The electric heater is on next to my bed, and the water purifiers in the hall emit a steady drone of a refrigerant. It’s Sunday morning and I’m awake quite early.

The few days have been good. Friday was the night out with my old work team, where I finally got a bit more perspective on the characters that make up the team. Which is unfortunate now I’m no longer there. But whatever. My ex manager was able to give me some constructive criticism but as we all drank loads I can no longer remember any of it. She did have a bee in her bonnet about me not responding to instructions in a timely manner, but then I’d fixed that by the end of my contract. If you’re not able to realise that with no way of measuring my progress there’s not much I can do about that one. In the absence of the routine of work my days have been markedly less structured. The 8 hour working day provides a structure to build my activities around, and without it things are on a different time frame. Mostly slow, mostly punctuated with the Black Phillip show. Next week does show promise thought.

I picked up a shift at the pub last night after lolling around most of the day yesterday with a hangover. I mostly figured it was a good exercise in meeting people as per. I tried the Patrice method of saying what i felt like. The blonde dyed hair Bulgarian girl that got in the way became subject to an occasional tirade of move out the fucking away bitch. This my is not my polite self. And maybe I was over doing it, but you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette anyway so fuck it. It sets the frame that just because you have fake blonde hair, big titties and a bouncy ass doesn’t mean I’m gonna fall over at the fastest opportunity. We’re in the business to lead, not lose. And with no reasonable father figure to teach those essential life lessons in the first place, better believe I now have to learn myself.

Happy Sunday yo

I awake and it’s later then I thought.

I remember details of the dream I was in before I woke up. Myself lost in Whitechapel, London. I find myself getting mugged when I’m in an area after dark that’s teeming with people near to the McDonalds. Someone tries to take my phone at knifepoint which after struggling decide to release the phone. But then I do a jab to the throat and then the situation has changed and it’s not an actual mugging and I find myself explaining the basics of self defence to the person who turns out to be a journalist or some such thing.

My mind has no experience of an actual crime of that magnitude, and despite being robbed of a small sum of money whilst abroad, that was entirely a mental theft then a physical mugging. The reason for being in London escapes me though. In the dream i’m travelling to meet somebody but I’ve taken a wrong turn.

Most of this is likely prompted by the curiosity of the Olympic area being built in Stratford, and how it came to be in that area. I investigated it at work recently on Google Maps when I listened to the Interview with the former mayor of London, Ken Livingstone.

Anyway the day begins. I send an email off to the Driving school. I’ve arranged to do lessons everyday next week so that I can start towards the proficiency I need to actually pass the Practical test. Being in the car everyday will hopefully ingrain it into a habit a little bit more. I’m looking forward to my favourite procedure…Gear control (not my favourite procedure).

I also send an email to the local dancing school enquiring about Salsa lessons. A man must be proficient in all areas of his life of course. If I can be confident of dancing then I will crush it. The last person in this family that could realistically dance was my grandparents. What is this society.

Anyway, time for breakfast and action

I wake up from the end of a memorable dream of 2 cows who had been given woolly jumpers by the United Nations In Bishkek, and the camera panned to the cows with colourful woollen jumpers and their owners next to them. Literally no idea where it came from but who cares, it’s colourful.

It’s 7.20am so I start the day listening to Patrice O’neil on an old radio show. I actually laugh a lot. Laughter is best therapy. I do my 100 star jumps and get ready for work. I’m 20 minutes earlier then normal. Last day vibes. It’s cold outside but the sun is shining. I pass people much earlier then normal. The guys on the road have nearly finished the sea wall. Eminem’s current album is blasting away in my ears. Traffic is full when I cross the road. My work fancy goes into the building ahead of me and I watch her walk upstairs. For a young mother she still has a great body. I never took her name. It wouldn’t have mattered. I never made an effort to know. I never wanted to be the step-father. Half the floor is empty since I’m earlier and most of the team is not in. I slink in and say good morning to the earlier risers.

The day consists of me stringing along enough work to look busy. It’s a struggle at times, and the works staff efficiency software shows my productivity at below 20% by the end of the day. But I don’t care about that, I know my value. One day it was 300% efficiency, and no one is that good. Even though I like to think I am, I say to my boss when she questions me about it in the morning. I’m funny this morning. I joke with everyone, colleagues, even my boss. Even she’s laughing. And when I sit down at my desk, I ask myself why I was never like this before. But I realise it’s all a state of mind. It doesn’t happen overnight but accumulates till it’s ready. And I’m ready now. Perhaps Patrice is having an effect.

Lunch time swings around, and I do my daily swim. An old man hogs the slow lane and although he initially annoys me I forgive him when I move out of the way. I hope I look as good as him at his age I think to myself. I wonder whether to say it but decide to keep it to myself when I see him in the shower block afterwards. The swimming pool has its own routine. My locker is either 133,135 or 137 on every trip. I enjoy the routine. I don’t have to follow it, but I like it so I keep it.

Change closer to the pool when going in, change near the door on the way out.

Struggle to avoid getting things damp on the way out. When I return to my desk at work, a leaving card has been left. I appreciate it, but so many get sent around that even I am apathetic about it. Every week someone has a birthday or is leaving. I struggle to imagine that anyone put a great deal of thought into my card, and it devalues it a little bit. But like I said I appreciate it. I ask my colleague if she will miss me. She says she will. I ask if she will me asking her if she will miss for the 12th time and she laughs. The humour is good here. We had a good team; and it will be a little sad to leave. But I will see them for drinks on Friday. I’ll get a round in, and we’ll see what comes out after that.

Although I’m looking forward to see everyone again I’m not looking forward to to drinking. It demotivates me and It feels counterproductive to my weight loss efforts. But we’ll take it as it is. That’s life. And that’s my Wednesday.

I’m watching Netflix and it’s the dramatisation of the Ted Kacznski case and the Unabomber. Probably the first time I’ve felt genuine revulsion and fear from a television show in a long time. Then sleep. Happy Wednesday. Tomorrow the next chapter begins