The Journey

I wake hungry from last nights workout. 20 minute meditation off YouTube. The daylight filters through the curtains. 100 star jumps. 20 regretful push ups.

I put on Mykonos by Fleet Foxes, a song I’d been trying to remember for about 2 years, but kept mixing it up with another song. I take a shower.

Briefly I Ruminate on Cristina living rent free in my mind, I thought of sending a gift yesterday. Cheaper to not care and focus on myself more. So I redirect my energy. The heating clicks on. A man walks past outside swearing and it’s barely 8am.

Current finances pop into the mind. I’m looking forward to payday. This is the day before my last day. I can hear dad bumbling around upstairs. He started knocking on my door like he’s waking me up when he leaves the house for some reason. It is slowly annoying me, but I am not usually out of bed and ready to challenge it. Best believe I will have my revenge at some future point.

The sun is shining brightly on the way to work, and I think of oribital dynamics as the sun hangs in the sky like an orb. I also feel our detachment from the universe around us. Our very existence can be disrupted by any sufficiently large mass of rock speeding around the solar neighbourhood at a high speed (plus 15,000 miles an hour) and there is little control we have over that matter. I see 2 miles across the bay and wonder how our society diverges from Ants, as the people walk alongside and drive on the road in a very similar kind of pattern.

Work follows mostly the same pattern as the previous day. I named a spreadsheet as the supreme master spreadsheet and share it with my colleagues. My junior role as someone bringing light hearted comedy relief is soon to end here. I will miss the small team. I will not miss the management. But that is not untoward for most people. And in any case, I understand a managers perspective. It is very rare to have your whole team on your side these days. We all wish to be free to do what we want on our own accord, and to be free from interference.

I complete the Podcast with Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London and realise he was the person I thought he was, mostly a decent politician. The desire to enter politics for the betterment of mankind enters my mind once more. And that passion within sets my mind thing again.

I finish the 2nd cup of coffee for the day, as the pain in my head reached a crescendo, and my heart flutters. So I leave my desk for a break and to give myself time to relax. Deep breathing exercises help here, and in so doing I avoid the potential of a self caused Panic attack. Which are always enjoyable.

I have not had one for 2 years now, but I noticed a higher level of bodily stress at the gym last night, my racing heart was good for fat burn, but suddenly a strong desire to scratch the back of my legs overcame me. So I did it as lightly as I could, to avoid damage to my skin. Intellect versus instinct.

Afternoon goes okay up to the point that the ex-girlfriend makes an appearance via text. After a brief discussion which is initially positive, it sours and she behaves in a way I’m no longer interested in. A certain amount of gaslighting occurs from her, and after a while of pointless discussion she blocks me. In the heat of the moment, I sent an email calling her out. Later I see she has unblocked me. But after a few hours I decide that I’ve finally had enough, and block her as well. I delete the number at the same time to avoid going back. Clearly she’s not the only one that was living rent free in my mind. But this is a new year, and a new way of doing things. I’m angry now, when what I should be is as calm as a lake. For as long as I’m angry I still have feelings. And I don’t want them anymore.

On my way home I think of my feelings, the hurt I feel and then call myself out. I am not a victim, and do not wish to be. I led myself to this situation and this is the eventual outcome. It’s time to accept it. This stretched on so long because I couldn’t bare the thought of someone disliking me. A childhood and teenage emotional survival reflex that I no longer need.

There are only so many times you get burned. I was always the last person to break before I got angry, taking this back to 2003 where a person tormented me for months before I broke, publicly rugby tackling them to the ground. Today was the second time this year I broke, and by the hand of the same person. And it will be the last.

Today’s work was relatively uneventful.

I managed to get through the podcast of Jocko Willinck on London Real and also the end of the podcast with Gary Vaynerchuk. Most of work today was a review of the 300 investors spread out across multiple investment vehicles. Majority was relatively easy, but just routine. Normally quite boring but with podcasts not so bad.

My contract at work finishes this coming Wednesday and with it I’ll be leaving a small group of people who have been a joy to work with. I am grateful for the opportunity that was afforded with me even being able to work with them, the job saved my finances from utter desecration and changed who I am as a person.

I learned to become more calm in my role, was afforded the ability to spend many hours listening to audiobooks and podcasts unofficially and through that have been set back on the path that I can control again.

I left work quite upbeat, the weekend put the conviction and willpower I needed to achieve my goals this week, and a result I smashed it at the gym tonight, sweating my way to an additional 800kcal fat burn. I’m definitely looking forward to my bed tonight. Although this work takes up the majority of my evenings, the alternative would be doing nothing at home but watching Netflix. As I sat sweating out on the exercise bike at the gym, I thought a lot about what I want to achieve. I’m putting a lot of effort into this now, thinking this will change my interactions with the opposite sex. I think I’ll be quite pissed off if I don’t achieve what I’m looking for, but at the very least I’ll have a ripped body by the end of it. There are a great many areas of change I need to achieve for me to get where I want to be. So let’s see how it goes.

I had a think on what I wrote yesterday, and how people are drowned out by the noise of social media. There’s a lot to be said for the damage on society to an unprepared populace. Mostly I’m concerned for my younger sister and the effect of the social media rat race on her young self esteem. My father and I spoke about making sure there was some kind of restriction in place for this. But I’m not sure how effective it will be. So it may be better to teach her the things she needs to deal with it instead of trying to control it. Anyway, that’s for the future and another day.

First it’s time for sleep, because Abs aren’t just made in the kitchen, they’re made in the bed too

Mostly it’s been a quiet day after last nights antics. Leaving the nightclub at 2am, Dad had got quite drunk. I was being partial to the water that was free near the entrance, I felt quite relaxed when we left.

Kay had agreed to drop me and dad off at home but Dad had decided by this point that it would be a good idea to go to a house party with some people in their late 30’s. Still chasing the party at 56. Dad was dropped off on the way with the main party leader Connor, who was doing reasonably good impressions of Terry Tibbs (Talk tah me!) and hitting on Kay despite him having a girlfriend.

I wasn’t interested in staying with a bunch of people I didn’t know and chasing validation so I went home quite happy.

The familiar pain of alcohol pulsed through my body when I awoke this morning. Clear of the toxin for 2 weeks, my body feels tighter with the work I’ve been doing in the gym and at the pool and it was an unwelcome addition to my morning. I do not miss it.

After lolling about for an hour, I felt inspired to create a new blog for the year as a place to write. Mostly as a private diary but also for my thoughts on various things.

This has led from the fact that I’ve been battling with addiction to social media and I’m looking for a more healthy place to spend my time. I’ve re-downloaded Udemy with all the courses I bought last year, and I’m using YouTube where useful.

So like i said, I’ve started writing.

When I wrote my travel blog in 2018 It was enjoyable but when I got to the end of it I felt a little bit lost. Time on the road swept me away but returning to normal life was like a Tsunami as I lost connection to what I felt to be my authentic self, out in the world, learning as I go; and returned to civilisation with all the people, laws and systems that populate all our lives. And it’s distractions.

And not just distractions but also debts which unfortunately when you chose to base your adventures on money you don’t have; its starts to accumulate.

That gap between now and June 2018 seems short to me. But I can finally say I’m on the right path once more.

Let’s set the clock back to this afternoon though.

January has been a long month financially and work our earlier to help people through Christmas time.

For me, this was a push. Christmas with the family in Devon, and a celebration of the new year in Jersey with the guys was survived, but left me with not a lot left to my name. So I’ve survived and I’ve been eating pasta quite a lot. Up until yesterday when I was gifted a pack of bacon dated 12th December and some cheese from 17th December. So I thought today, why not see how long food really lasts for.

Turns out quite a while. I’m not a fool of course nor would I eat food that was genuinely bad, but the ability to understand when your food is actually bad is useful. The bacon passed the smell test despite the packaging being expanded so I cooked it all off which was fun. Still feel ok, will give an update if it turns out badly.

I took some time to relax after that and watched James May’s series travelling across Japan, which is something I recently decided I want to do alongside walking around the whole of Romania.

Cuba for a few months, Romania for as long as it takes to go around and hopefully learn the language at the same time and then Japan. All in the future of course, while I work on my financials and pay off debts, work out how I’m going to work for myself on the side whilst I receive income from the bank at the same time.

With the series completed I found myself sitting in the sunshine of my room contemplating my surroundings. It feels curious that the space I inhabit can go from spotlessly clean to mess in less then 2 hours. On Thursday I wanted to go for a walk with Adam, even though it was pouring rain so I was searching for my Waterproof trousers. Which I found after I had pulled everything out of everywhere. Such is life.

Searching for a movie to watch I picked In time, by Andrew Niccol who happens to be one of my favourite directors. I move across the bed and I can feel my heart beating out my chest. Last nights lasting effect. I half watched the film, as I wrote this. My mind passed to my current muse, Cristina. A beautiful Romanian girl who lives abroad, and of course like the band Weezer eponymously says “Does not know I exist”.

I have been in the dating wilderness for 3 months now, and I’m not looking to start back out there again soon. My mind is set on self growth, and stability in my life. But the mind can still wonder as it does. Even at work, I find myself staring across the desks at a girl nearby who I do not know, have no interest in being in a relationship with and yet still the heart yearns for what it cannot have. I did tell my brother about Cristina though. He pointed out quite aptly that having so many photos of the self is probably a red flag, which I happen to agree with but however that she may be redeemed somewhat for her vegan shirt. I am also here for the shirt, but mostly for alternative reasons. I attempted to add her as a friend on Facebook, curious to see how that works out, but once someone goes over a certain level they can’t see the wood for the trees anymore and mere mortals such as myself are drowned out in the noise of thirsty cretins. Like the leading character of the Netflix series You, I feel like I would be so good in that persons life, yet due to that very reason most likely should not be in it. We can ruminate for a while on this.

My solution to being in the noise and aftermath of others is to stand up and be counted. Therefore, I started writing this. And I’m in the gym everyday. And I’ve got my plans for further learning and education. More money earning opportunities.

I’m taking Cristina, someone I may never meet, and using her in the most fantastic way possible, as a means to achieve my dreams and in so doing when I get there I will no longer need to worry about being in the noise anymore. So I feel a lot of gratitude for that. I just gave myself a written pep talk, and now I’m ready for the new week. And I hope you are too. If you want inspirational messages from me, let me know. Because I don’t just believe in myself, I believe in you too.

I was awake when I got home this morning after a night out with my father. I broke my dry January spell in style and lots of calorific beer was consumed.

I did my usual early hours of the morning thing of looking to see if my ex partner was online and she hadn’t been for a few hours. Yet up she popped at 2.35am as Online, to change her photo briefly to her holding a dog or baby. Her face looked atrocious, and clearly she realised it, because the photo quickly turned back to her previous one.

I wondered if she was with someone else; and the memories of the previous relationship and gut feelings of insecurity and distrust briefly reared before being pushed down.

I knew that when she chose to come back into my life after several weeks of no contact, there would be a test of my resolve. Mostly just another test from the universe to see if I can break the habit of seeing her come on and offline. Her last seen on WhatsApp.

Assigning her to the category of friendship makes it easier.

Understanding that us breaking up leaves her free to do whatever she wants as well as myself.

Really it’s none of my concern yet I still feel protective of someone that hurt me. After the things that happened it led me on a new path of self discovery, to understand why this happened to me.

As it happens to many others as well though I hardly feel like I’m in singular company.

I will delete the conversation with her shortly, as that has been a reasonable coping strategy I previously employed.

I have been listening to YouTube videos this morning, and I think I like the idea of the Warrior path soon. So when I get paid, I’m going to start down that path. Mostly in the form of reading war books, going to the gym, and just generally becoming stronger.

Zig Ziglar and Todd V quote is fresh in my mind regarding the necessity of being a closer in Sales and relationships. I have decided to link it at the bottom of the page if you may find it useful as I did.

You owe it to the person to be the best you can be. I feel that power today.

The renewed interest in PUA has also placated my initial resurgent interest in the universal path / spirituality. Although interested in the spiritual, I feel like by becoming a person who does things and effects change, I will receive results better that way. Then following a supposed path. And in any case, the idea that I’m following a path is still able to be followed if I begin to effect change by my actions, for who is to say that was not my supposed path instead?

The path of the Doing person.

Thanks for joining me! All of this was automatically generated when I typed in that I was on a journey. I realised I needed somewhere to write again, and that skill had been missing in my life. So I may as well find this home here on the most publicly anonymous forum. Welcome to my journey

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton